you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
