Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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