What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
