dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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