It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
