she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
