saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
