Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
