i permit you to call me
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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