woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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