You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize