I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
