I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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