God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
