Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
