You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
