I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
