Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
