i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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