Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
