My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
