There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
