So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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