why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
