Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
