So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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