Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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