I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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