We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
