Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize