You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
