so that wasnt chicken after all
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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