Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
