bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
