I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize