toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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