Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
