Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
