if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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