i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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