The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
