As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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