I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
