I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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