I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
