my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
