How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
