Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You can't just leave with hair like that
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
