I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize