Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
