Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
