I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
