took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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