guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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