I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's always time for handjobs
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
