Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
