my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
