South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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